I am changing the name of my blog. I don't want people to get scared away by mentioning God. My topic is more about parenting than about God anyway. I just happen to believe that parenting (and life, in general) is much easier to manage with help from a Higher Power. I choose to call my Higher Power God. That's all.
A friend contacted me about somebody she knows who is a single mother and needs help. She asked if she could give her my number because she thinks I could help her. She also said I am a real power of example. Imagine that!
I do not see myself in that light but if I could help someone, I will do all I can to try, if they at least meet me halfway. I still pray for patience every day. Unfortunately, I don't have much patience for people who refuse to do anything to help themselves. I allow myself ten minutes of self-pity a day. That's it. Then I buck up and get to work! Because after those ten minutes are up, I can't even stand to be around myself! LOL.
This week I have another job interview for another part time job. I am planning my class schedule around both jobs. I am sure I will get this job -- it is for a school crossing guard. When and/or if I go back to school full time I can work at the college then. I am trying to slowly work myself into a full time student/part time work situation.
I didn't even choose a topic this time but I just want to say that if you are unemployed, look at it as a signal from God that it is time to try something new. Register for school or start an at home business. Try a new field. Spend more time with your kids. But whatever you do, accentuate the positive and don't dwell on the negative!
I have also been checking out other parenting blogs and have to say I have not found one quite like mine. That is, that addresses the issues of single parenting by focusing on the POSITIVE aspects of it. Because there are plenty!
1. We don't need to confer with someone else regarding rules for our children. We make the rules!
2. Our children don't witness two people who are no good together arguing and fighting all the time. If you are divorced and/or your ex is still involved, please don't make a liar out of me! Work it out for your children's sake, in regards to your children, I mean.
3. We have a special bond with our kids that I don't think (married) couples can appreciate the same way. Since we have no one else to depend on to help us with our children, we are, out of necessity, excellent communicators to/with our children. In this way, our children are privy to information others would share with a spouse. The single parent/child relationship is unique in this way. For example, my 10 year old knows all important phone numbers, which keys go to which lock, when Mom's at work and/or school, what our monthly bills are, when important dates are, how to use the microwave and make simple meals, etc.
4. As far as that goes, our children learn to rely on themselves a lot quicker than their peers. Some think this is a negative. I don't think it is. I am not talking about exposing them to adult problems and/or situations, I'm talking about teaching them to be responsible for themselves. There is a big difference between the two.
5. My son is learning that jobs are neither "male" or "female" jobs. Jobs are just jobs that have to be done. Period. Mom cooks and cleans and mows the lawn. Mom pitches him a softball and she taught him how to ride a bike. Mom brings home the bacon and fries it up in the pan. There is no gender bias in a boy that has been raised by a single mother!
6. My 10 year old is probably a little more sensitive because of this too, than other boys his age. This is most definitely part of his overall personality but it also has to do with me teaching him how to solve problems with empathy and talking about them rather than being physical and retaliating in anger. Of course, I think that is what children should be taught by both women AND men, anyway, but I know not everyone agrees with this.
Now readers, I ask you this question, what do you think is a benefit of being a single parent, if you are a single parent? If you are not a single parent and have children, what do you think is a negative of being a single parent? If you choose to comment on a negative aspect, however, please provide valuable solutions in your comments, as well. I look forward to your comments!
Monday, July 26, 2010
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
Dear God: HELP!!! (one day at a time)
I deleted my last post because I don't think it was very positive. It was honestly how I felt but I shouldv'e prayed before I sat down to write.
I have been unemployed for over a year now. I have worked part time at menial jobs (which is what I'm doing now -- working part time at a menial job) but have not had full time work in over a year. I got offered a job with the city as a 911 operator but they are now on a hiring freeze so they can not hire me but they told me I am the next person they are calling when the hiring freeze lifts. Great! Not helping me now though.
I am not worried about bills. I am managing. What bothers me is I do not feel productive. That is another reason why I started this blog. I also just registered for two classes at the community college for next semester but that's a month away.
So I decided to join a gym. I went down to our local YMCA and asked for a membership application (they have an "open doors" scholarship. That is, they give you a membership at a reduced rate based on your income) My older son and I could benefit a great deal from the exercise. And they have child care for the two year old while we work out.
I went to visit a long time friend today too. She helped me put this picture up on my profile! (I didn't want a full shot because the sun is not kind to my skin here in Florida during the summer! Perhaps I'm too vain. Nah. I just like to look my best when it's at all possible!)
It was good getting out and socializing. I haven't been doing that enough. FB is great for that but there is nothing like seeing someone face to face or hearing their voice on the phone.
I also saw an old friend I knew from AA (Alcoholics Anonymous) the other day. It must have been about 15 years. I didn't even recognize her! She started drinking again. Based on the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous, there is no "cure" for this disease. Of course, some people doubt whether it actually is a disease. I find myself somewhere in the middle on this issue. Let me just say this: when I knew her in AA, she looked much healthier, happier, full of life and energy. Now she looks worn out. I admired her because she was a young single mother at the time (like I am now.) Now her children are grown up.
All any of us can do is take life one day at a time. Another old friend who I haven't seen in a long time (I told you about his blog in one of my posts) is in hiatus, it seems. I am worried about him a little, too, because I know he was going through some things.
And with this, my dear readers, I have to say it is time for me to pray. We all have our own lives and all of us are very busy (me, with trying to get this blog off the ground now) but take a moment to say a kind word to a stranger that looks worried, help an old lady cross the street, buy a homeless person something to eat, tell your wife/husband/son/daughter/sister/brother/mother/father that you love them just the way they are!
Above all else, live for today because tomorrow is not promised. To any of us. And when you don't feel productive, maybe you don't need to be busy at this particular moment of your life. Maybe God wants you to sit back and enjoy what life is really about: love and friendship and helping others. (while looking for a full time job, of course!) God bless, my friends!
I have been unemployed for over a year now. I have worked part time at menial jobs (which is what I'm doing now -- working part time at a menial job) but have not had full time work in over a year. I got offered a job with the city as a 911 operator but they are now on a hiring freeze so they can not hire me but they told me I am the next person they are calling when the hiring freeze lifts. Great! Not helping me now though.
I am not worried about bills. I am managing. What bothers me is I do not feel productive. That is another reason why I started this blog. I also just registered for two classes at the community college for next semester but that's a month away.
So I decided to join a gym. I went down to our local YMCA and asked for a membership application (they have an "open doors" scholarship. That is, they give you a membership at a reduced rate based on your income) My older son and I could benefit a great deal from the exercise. And they have child care for the two year old while we work out.
I went to visit a long time friend today too. She helped me put this picture up on my profile! (I didn't want a full shot because the sun is not kind to my skin here in Florida during the summer! Perhaps I'm too vain. Nah. I just like to look my best when it's at all possible!)
It was good getting out and socializing. I haven't been doing that enough. FB is great for that but there is nothing like seeing someone face to face or hearing their voice on the phone.
I also saw an old friend I knew from AA (Alcoholics Anonymous) the other day. It must have been about 15 years. I didn't even recognize her! She started drinking again. Based on the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous, there is no "cure" for this disease. Of course, some people doubt whether it actually is a disease. I find myself somewhere in the middle on this issue. Let me just say this: when I knew her in AA, she looked much healthier, happier, full of life and energy. Now she looks worn out. I admired her because she was a young single mother at the time (like I am now.) Now her children are grown up.
All any of us can do is take life one day at a time. Another old friend who I haven't seen in a long time (I told you about his blog in one of my posts) is in hiatus, it seems. I am worried about him a little, too, because I know he was going through some things.
And with this, my dear readers, I have to say it is time for me to pray. We all have our own lives and all of us are very busy (me, with trying to get this blog off the ground now) but take a moment to say a kind word to a stranger that looks worried, help an old lady cross the street, buy a homeless person something to eat, tell your wife/husband/son/daughter/sister/brother/mother/father that you love them just the way they are!
Above all else, live for today because tomorrow is not promised. To any of us. And when you don't feel productive, maybe you don't need to be busy at this particular moment of your life. Maybe God wants you to sit back and enjoy what life is really about: love and friendship and helping others. (while looking for a full time job, of course!) God bless, my friends!
Saturday, July 17, 2010
Dear God: HELP!!! (hold fast to dreams)
Langston Hughes said this: "Hold fast to dreams, for when dreams die, life is a broken-winged bird that cannot fly." He said a mouthful with that one!
I remember my mother, my sister and I sitting around at 2:00 am when my mom got off work from the bar. My mom was a bartender. My father was not in the picture then. She would ask the neighbor next door to check up on us while she was working. I was five, my sister was seven. Today people would call that neglect. But, my mom was just doing what she had to do to support us.
But what I remember was her coming home and singing. She would sing 60's rock songs, country songs, folk songs and their was a light in her eyes when she was singing that was never there during the day. There was a sparkle there. A shimmer of hope. My mother, when she was a teenager, used to sing with her father in a band. When she was younger, that's all she used to talk about: singing.
Some time between raising children (mostly by herself), trying to help pay the bills by going to work in a factory, that dream died. It was a slow death, though. It was also torture watching the life slowly get sucked out of her.
What do you do when there's two kids with mouths to feed and rent to pay and you find yourself being the sole breadwinner? Well, whatever you have to. I have done that. I have been people's secretary, waitressed, stood behind a cash register, cleaned houses, changed other people's children's dirty diapers, etc. etc.
And if I have to all of that until the day I die, I will probably end up like my mother.
I have been taking college courses part time for years. I need five more classes(fifteen credits) to get my AA. I have changed my major about five times. One time I was going to be a nurse, last time I was going to be a teacher, one time a legal secretary (which I've done without even having a degree!), one time a bookkeeper. None of that excited me. I would change my major back the very next semester to what I have always loved, what has always been my passion, what I still believe is what God really wanted me to do: what I'm doing right now. On this blank computer screen. Writing.
See, I'm sure some people might stumble upon my web site, especially after my last post, and think: "is this woman advocating single motherhood? Shouldn't she be telling other women not to go down that path because look at how hard it is for her?"
If you're 16 and have a boyfriend who is pressuring you to have sex, yes, definitely, don't go down that path. If you are already on that path, have already made that bed, I want you to know you are not alone. I want you to know your life is not over. I want you to believe you can do this. I want you to believe there is a man somewhere out there with a big enough heart to look at the person you are inside and see past (your past) and accept you, children and all, a man who will treat you with the utmost respect and admiration. Who will do right by you and your children.
I want you to hold fast to your dreams! Don't be a nurse if you really want to be a doctor, don't be a teacher if you really want to own a daycare; it's your life. It's your dream! Dream big!
The deck is stacked against us, in many ways, in a lot of people's opinions. My children are well fed, much loved, they have rules to abide by, they have expectations put on them about doing good in school. I check my ten year old's homework.
However, we live modestly. We live in a two bedroom apartment in a poor neighborhood (not a bad neighborhood -- a poor neighborhood. People around here work hard every day for a little bit of $$). I drive a second hand car, we wear generic clothing but what we do have is an unbreakable bond, laughter, a whole lot of love and tons of fun.
My ten year old sees Mommy going to college, Mommy going to spoken word shows, Mommy writing a blog. I am planting the seed that whatever he wants to be, he can be. Mommy may never be a published author but I am showing him that if you have a dream, it's worth it to try. And I am investing in him. I spend quality time with him: ie; I play checkers with him, I help him with his homework, I go bowling with him, we go to the park. etc etc.
I sometimes wish we had more money so I could get him name brand clothes and buy him big, expensive presents for his birthday. But what we do have is all anyone really needs. There's plenty of love in this home.
I am giving my children wings. To help them fly. While at the same time, holding fast to my own dreams. And that is priceless.
One more thing; check out my friend's blog. It is called "My Will or God's: that is the question." The website address is http://genius150.blogspot.com/. He was the inspiration for this blog (and by reading it here, this is the first he is hearing this. But he started his blog out of his love of God. And that inspired me to start a blog of my own. Out of my love of words. So thank you, Eddie!)
I remember my mother, my sister and I sitting around at 2:00 am when my mom got off work from the bar. My mom was a bartender. My father was not in the picture then. She would ask the neighbor next door to check up on us while she was working. I was five, my sister was seven. Today people would call that neglect. But, my mom was just doing what she had to do to support us.
But what I remember was her coming home and singing. She would sing 60's rock songs, country songs, folk songs and their was a light in her eyes when she was singing that was never there during the day. There was a sparkle there. A shimmer of hope. My mother, when she was a teenager, used to sing with her father in a band. When she was younger, that's all she used to talk about: singing.
Some time between raising children (mostly by herself), trying to help pay the bills by going to work in a factory, that dream died. It was a slow death, though. It was also torture watching the life slowly get sucked out of her.
What do you do when there's two kids with mouths to feed and rent to pay and you find yourself being the sole breadwinner? Well, whatever you have to. I have done that. I have been people's secretary, waitressed, stood behind a cash register, cleaned houses, changed other people's children's dirty diapers, etc. etc.
And if I have to all of that until the day I die, I will probably end up like my mother.
I have been taking college courses part time for years. I need five more classes(fifteen credits) to get my AA. I have changed my major about five times. One time I was going to be a nurse, last time I was going to be a teacher, one time a legal secretary (which I've done without even having a degree!), one time a bookkeeper. None of that excited me. I would change my major back the very next semester to what I have always loved, what has always been my passion, what I still believe is what God really wanted me to do: what I'm doing right now. On this blank computer screen. Writing.
See, I'm sure some people might stumble upon my web site, especially after my last post, and think: "is this woman advocating single motherhood? Shouldn't she be telling other women not to go down that path because look at how hard it is for her?"
If you're 16 and have a boyfriend who is pressuring you to have sex, yes, definitely, don't go down that path. If you are already on that path, have already made that bed, I want you to know you are not alone. I want you to know your life is not over. I want you to believe you can do this. I want you to believe there is a man somewhere out there with a big enough heart to look at the person you are inside and see past (your past) and accept you, children and all, a man who will treat you with the utmost respect and admiration. Who will do right by you and your children.
I want you to hold fast to your dreams! Don't be a nurse if you really want to be a doctor, don't be a teacher if you really want to own a daycare; it's your life. It's your dream! Dream big!
The deck is stacked against us, in many ways, in a lot of people's opinions. My children are well fed, much loved, they have rules to abide by, they have expectations put on them about doing good in school. I check my ten year old's homework.
However, we live modestly. We live in a two bedroom apartment in a poor neighborhood (not a bad neighborhood -- a poor neighborhood. People around here work hard every day for a little bit of $$). I drive a second hand car, we wear generic clothing but what we do have is an unbreakable bond, laughter, a whole lot of love and tons of fun.
My ten year old sees Mommy going to college, Mommy going to spoken word shows, Mommy writing a blog. I am planting the seed that whatever he wants to be, he can be. Mommy may never be a published author but I am showing him that if you have a dream, it's worth it to try. And I am investing in him. I spend quality time with him: ie; I play checkers with him, I help him with his homework, I go bowling with him, we go to the park. etc etc.
I sometimes wish we had more money so I could get him name brand clothes and buy him big, expensive presents for his birthday. But what we do have is all anyone really needs. There's plenty of love in this home.
I am giving my children wings. To help them fly. While at the same time, holding fast to my own dreams. And that is priceless.
One more thing; check out my friend's blog. It is called "My Will or God's: that is the question." The website address is http://genius150.blogspot.com/. He was the inspiration for this blog (and by reading it here, this is the first he is hearing this. But he started his blog out of his love of God. And that inspired me to start a blog of my own. Out of my love of words. So thank you, Eddie!)
Monday, July 12, 2010
Dear God: HELP!!! (asking for help!)
I cannot tell you how many times I wish I had a 1-800 # to call to get me in touch with "supernanny" or "a mom who knows." That is part of the reason why I started this blog. I am a single mother; I know how hard it is to do what we do. And not just do it but do it well. A good parent is a good parent, regardless of their marital status. And in many cases, the single parent and the children are much better off without the absent parent. So my topic this time is asking for help.
I know how hard that is to do. Most of us have been burned at least once; we are going to do this ourselves if it kills us! No one is going to get one over on us again, darn it! I am not a stranger to that mentality. I have been there; done that!
Which is why I speak from years of experience when I tell you that type of mentality is not helping you or your children one bit!
As I said in a previous blog, my second child, Malcolm, was the product of a one night stand. After Malcolm was born, we lived in a shelter for two months. When Malcolm was six weeks old, I got a good job with the County government. After two months, I then went to live at a transitional living facility run by the Salvation Army. I didn't have to do that. I could've continued living in the apartment I had and struggled. I didn't do it that way because of financial issues. I wasn't rich but I was working and paying the rent. However, I needed to rest. I needed to rest my mind, body and spirit. I needed that time to regroup. I needed someone to be my cheerleader for a time. I did it that way because I realized for the first time since having my first child, Sean, I could no longer do it alone. Malcolm was avery big wake up call for me.
There are countless organizations that can help. I urge you to put down your pride for a moment, for your children's sake, and seek them out. Local churches have food pantries and can help with clothing. The Salvation Army is a huge resource! They have programs to help low income people buy a car (with a no interest loan), they provide drug/alcohol rehabilitation, they have churches nationwide, they help with food, clothing, housing, utility expenses.
Their is a non profit which I love that provides bundles of low cost food to low income families. You can look it up on the web; http://angelfoodministries.com. It is a nationwide program which sells packages of food for about $30.00 that will feed a family of four for a week! They also sell produce and meat packages.
Also, don't be embarrassed to shop at thrift stores. When it's back to school time, I go there first. Many people discard stuff that they don't like or just need to get rid of for whatever reason. You can find stuff in brand new condition for very little $$$.
There is an organization here in Florida called healthy start. For the first year of your baby's life, a worker comes to your home once or twice a week just to talk with you and offer emotional support. This is a free service! You can find out about it at your local WIC (women, infants and children) or your local department of children and families. This worker not only counsels you, she/he supplies you with diapers, bottles, clothing when these items are available and on a limited basis. But go on the internet and google "pregnancy centers." A pregnancy center not only helps pregnant women, but for the first couple of years of your baby's life, you can go there once or twice a month for diapers, formula and clothing for your baby. This is another non profit agency that is there to assist you. My local pregnancy center, called Tampa Bay Pregnancy Center, asks for a $2 donation (not mandatory) for a bag of a dozen diapers and a bag with about 5-6 outfits in it for my child. I can go there once a month.
You can get referrals from your local department of children and families for child care. Your local county should have a program for low income people to get child care at a reduced rate.
Also, if they are supportive, call on family and friends for a break when needed. Only if they are supportive. If they are not supportive, find new friends and/or family. You can't choose your family but you can choose your friends!
I hate to even bring this up, but last but not least, if your partner is hurting you and/or your children, call your local domestic violence shelter! Now! You and your children deserve more! Don't hesitate; there is nothing to think about here. You do not deserve to be abused! The only way an abuser will change is when they run out of people to abuse. Do not think he/she will change for you! There is a 411 directory you can call (in Florida) for all kinds of resources to help you. Other states have their own version of 411, as well. But for God's sake, leave now. It is not going to be easy, no doubt, but you just might save your children's, and your own, life! Love should not hurt!
My oldest son's father was a convicted felon. I found this out after I was pregnant. To put it bluntly, he was a convicted child molester. His attorney helped to get him released after serving two years of a twenty year prison sentence on a legal technicality. I left him the same day I gave birth to Sean. I struggled. I cried. I mourned. I sought counseling. I took antidepressants to help with the stress. But I.....DID........IT........and you can too! Trust me; I've been there. God has something special in mind for you. Don't doubt it for a minute. He brought you this far; He's not going to abandon you now.
I was told by my new landlord, a single mother who raised five boys by herself after her husband died, "Just take your hard knocks and do it by yourself, Connie! You and that baby deserve better!" She was right. We do. And so do you. But you don't have to do it by yourself--there are countless resources available to you. God is always available 24/7. He's waiting right now for you to ask for help...waiting to perform His next miracle. And He will; believe it. I am living proof!!
I know how hard that is to do. Most of us have been burned at least once; we are going to do this ourselves if it kills us! No one is going to get one over on us again, darn it! I am not a stranger to that mentality. I have been there; done that!
Which is why I speak from years of experience when I tell you that type of mentality is not helping you or your children one bit!
As I said in a previous blog, my second child, Malcolm, was the product of a one night stand. After Malcolm was born, we lived in a shelter for two months. When Malcolm was six weeks old, I got a good job with the County government. After two months, I then went to live at a transitional living facility run by the Salvation Army. I didn't have to do that. I could've continued living in the apartment I had and struggled. I didn't do it that way because of financial issues. I wasn't rich but I was working and paying the rent. However, I needed to rest. I needed to rest my mind, body and spirit. I needed that time to regroup. I needed someone to be my cheerleader for a time. I did it that way because I realized for the first time since having my first child, Sean, I could no longer do it alone. Malcolm was avery big wake up call for me.
There are countless organizations that can help. I urge you to put down your pride for a moment, for your children's sake, and seek them out. Local churches have food pantries and can help with clothing. The Salvation Army is a huge resource! They have programs to help low income people buy a car (with a no interest loan), they provide drug/alcohol rehabilitation, they have churches nationwide, they help with food, clothing, housing, utility expenses.
Their is a non profit which I love that provides bundles of low cost food to low income families. You can look it up on the web; http://angelfoodministries.com. It is a nationwide program which sells packages of food for about $30.00 that will feed a family of four for a week! They also sell produce and meat packages.
Also, don't be embarrassed to shop at thrift stores. When it's back to school time, I go there first. Many people discard stuff that they don't like or just need to get rid of for whatever reason. You can find stuff in brand new condition for very little $$$.
There is an organization here in Florida called healthy start. For the first year of your baby's life, a worker comes to your home once or twice a week just to talk with you and offer emotional support. This is a free service! You can find out about it at your local WIC (women, infants and children) or your local department of children and families. This worker not only counsels you, she/he supplies you with diapers, bottles, clothing when these items are available and on a limited basis. But go on the internet and google "pregnancy centers." A pregnancy center not only helps pregnant women, but for the first couple of years of your baby's life, you can go there once or twice a month for diapers, formula and clothing for your baby. This is another non profit agency that is there to assist you. My local pregnancy center, called Tampa Bay Pregnancy Center, asks for a $2 donation (not mandatory) for a bag of a dozen diapers and a bag with about 5-6 outfits in it for my child. I can go there once a month.
You can get referrals from your local department of children and families for child care. Your local county should have a program for low income people to get child care at a reduced rate.
Also, if they are supportive, call on family and friends for a break when needed. Only if they are supportive. If they are not supportive, find new friends and/or family. You can't choose your family but you can choose your friends!
I hate to even bring this up, but last but not least, if your partner is hurting you and/or your children, call your local domestic violence shelter! Now! You and your children deserve more! Don't hesitate; there is nothing to think about here. You do not deserve to be abused! The only way an abuser will change is when they run out of people to abuse. Do not think he/she will change for you! There is a 411 directory you can call (in Florida) for all kinds of resources to help you. Other states have their own version of 411, as well. But for God's sake, leave now. It is not going to be easy, no doubt, but you just might save your children's, and your own, life! Love should not hurt!
My oldest son's father was a convicted felon. I found this out after I was pregnant. To put it bluntly, he was a convicted child molester. His attorney helped to get him released after serving two years of a twenty year prison sentence on a legal technicality. I left him the same day I gave birth to Sean. I struggled. I cried. I mourned. I sought counseling. I took antidepressants to help with the stress. But I.....DID........IT........and you can too! Trust me; I've been there. God has something special in mind for you. Don't doubt it for a minute. He brought you this far; He's not going to abandon you now.
I was told by my new landlord, a single mother who raised five boys by herself after her husband died, "Just take your hard knocks and do it by yourself, Connie! You and that baby deserve better!" She was right. We do. And so do you. But you don't have to do it by yourself--there are countless resources available to you. God is always available 24/7. He's waiting right now for you to ask for help...waiting to perform His next miracle. And He will; believe it. I am living proof!!
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
Dear God: HELP!!! (DISCIPLINE)
When I was a teenager, I battled depression, drugs and alcohol. I finally went to a treatment program when I was 19. It was called a "TC" - therapeutic community in Upstate NY, where I was born and raised. I was there a year when my parents and sister decided to move to Florida. I was crushed. Devastated, actually. I felt abandoned yet again.
Growing up, my father and I did not see eye to eye on anything. We fought constantly. I rebelled consistently. He drank, got arrested, was not in the picture at all sometimes. My father is "old school" and is fond of saying, "I call a spade a spade," or, "I call 'em like I see 'em." Yelling, name calling, threats and the withholding of love were common discipline methods.
I am a lot more like my mother than my father. Especially when it comes to discipline. My mother, I think, in a lot of ways (consciously or subconsciously) overcompensated for my father's harsh methods by being extremely lenient; she was a bit of an "enabler", if you will.
With the breakup of my first honest to God true love, I was left holding the baby. Literally. I I devised a plan: go back to school, work, get us a car, an apt, take a crash course in childcare 101: aka; changing diapers, burping, etc. What I did not think of, however, was a discipline plan. I loved this baby; this flesh of my flesh; blood of my blood. I was naive enough to think that love would solve everything. I praised him when he obeyed, listened and/or overcame a milestone(taking his first step, using the potty, etc.) encouraged him constantly, read him stories nightly, cuddled daily, nurtured him consistently. Everyone said what a great Mom I was!
Then, when this sweet little child turned 2, he started talking back. And one of the first words he talked back with was "no." Then, he had the audacity to develop his own opinions about stuff! He didn't like broccoli, when for over a year he had been eating it from a Gerber baby jar just fine. He also didn't like it when it was time to leave the park. He wanted to stay. He didn't want to sit in the shopping cart when we went grocery shopping. He wanted to wander around and look at stuff. Okay, I handled it. I told him he would get his dessert if he took at least 3 bites of vegetables. I told him the park would be waiting bright and early for him to come back tomorrow but right now the park needed to get some rest. He bought it: hook, line and sinker. I told him if he listens to Mommy and sits in the cart, when Mommy's done shopping we can go to the (park!), etc. etc.
And now I have another child. There are days when I yell too much. There are days when I know I've made my children feel "stupid," even though I didn't actually say the word! There are days when I have to pick and choose my battles because it's just, one of those days. Children have "one of those days" too, just like us.
So I guess what I'm trying to say is: don't sweat the small stuff. Take care of the important things (food, shelter) and let God handle the rest.
My ten year old loves art but there are times when he hates his school (and me) for making him go there because the standards are much higher there then at mainstream public schools. He has to do the work. Imagine that.
We are doing this job ourselves. We're going to have good days and bad days. The most important thing is let your children know you love them.
I know what not to do. I'm still learning what TO do and the only way I, you or anyone is going to learn is through trial and error. Don't sweat the small stuff and and leave the rest to God!
Growing up, my father and I did not see eye to eye on anything. We fought constantly. I rebelled consistently. He drank, got arrested, was not in the picture at all sometimes. My father is "old school" and is fond of saying, "I call a spade a spade," or, "I call 'em like I see 'em." Yelling, name calling, threats and the withholding of love were common discipline methods.
I am a lot more like my mother than my father. Especially when it comes to discipline. My mother, I think, in a lot of ways (consciously or subconsciously) overcompensated for my father's harsh methods by being extremely lenient; she was a bit of an "enabler", if you will.
With the breakup of my first honest to God true love, I was left holding the baby. Literally. I I devised a plan: go back to school, work, get us a car, an apt, take a crash course in childcare 101: aka; changing diapers, burping, etc. What I did not think of, however, was a discipline plan. I loved this baby; this flesh of my flesh; blood of my blood. I was naive enough to think that love would solve everything. I praised him when he obeyed, listened and/or overcame a milestone(taking his first step, using the potty, etc.) encouraged him constantly, read him stories nightly, cuddled daily, nurtured him consistently. Everyone said what a great Mom I was!
Then, when this sweet little child turned 2, he started talking back. And one of the first words he talked back with was "no." Then, he had the audacity to develop his own opinions about stuff! He didn't like broccoli, when for over a year he had been eating it from a Gerber baby jar just fine. He also didn't like it when it was time to leave the park. He wanted to stay. He didn't want to sit in the shopping cart when we went grocery shopping. He wanted to wander around and look at stuff. Okay, I handled it. I told him he would get his dessert if he took at least 3 bites of vegetables. I told him the park would be waiting bright and early for him to come back tomorrow but right now the park needed to get some rest. He bought it: hook, line and sinker. I told him if he listens to Mommy and sits in the cart, when Mommy's done shopping we can go to the (park!), etc. etc.
And now I have another child. There are days when I yell too much. There are days when I know I've made my children feel "stupid," even though I didn't actually say the word! There are days when I have to pick and choose my battles because it's just, one of those days. Children have "one of those days" too, just like us.
So I guess what I'm trying to say is: don't sweat the small stuff. Take care of the important things (food, shelter) and let God handle the rest.
My ten year old loves art but there are times when he hates his school (and me) for making him go there because the standards are much higher there then at mainstream public schools. He has to do the work. Imagine that.
We are doing this job ourselves. We're going to have good days and bad days. The most important thing is let your children know you love them.
I know what not to do. I'm still learning what TO do and the only way I, you or anyone is going to learn is through trial and error. Don't sweat the small stuff and and leave the rest to God!
Tuesday, July 6, 2010
Dear God: HELP!!! (struggles of the single parent)
Your ten year old wants permission to walk to the park by himself. I say, "No. I don't think that is a good idea." He persists. Meanwhile, while he is pleading his case with the likeness of a second year law student (who has a very successful career ahead of him), your two year old is standing on the arm of the couch attempting to fly to the recliner on the other side of the room. Now he is saying, "Look, Mommy. Look, Sean. I gonna jump! Wash dis!" It is 3:00 in the afternoon and the kiddies are restless. Our air conditioner is on the fritz again. We live in Florida, too. Today it is 99 in the shade. Knock. Knock. The two year old runs to the door. The ten year old stops his closing argument for the moment and looks at me as if to say, "don't even think of asking me to get that. I'm not through with you yet." Folds arms across chest. Lifts chin. Stoic. Eyes ablaze. Oh, he is a warrior fighting for justice right now. "who is it?" I ask. "maintenance," I shoot Sean a warning glance and open the door. "here to fix your a/c, Ma'am. What's the problem?" I look at him, incredulous. He smiles. "I mean, what's it doing?" I smile too. "Nothing," I deadpan. My eyes assess the children, the maintenance man, pleasant enough, but none too happy to be here for the 3rd time already and it is still only the beginning of July, to fix the a/c again. I sigh, though it is silently. I put on a happy face for my children, the maintenance man, and, uh, God, who I silently pray to. I live in public housing. I have two children. One is ten, he is a good kid. He gets A's and B's and goes to a public charter school for the arts. He, like his father, who I'm no longer with, is a natural born artist. The two year old is from a serious night of passion while Mom was trying to destress from raising the then, 8 year old. Should've prayed to God then, too, instead. But then, I wouldn't have this lively, energetic, God-given gift to behold, whom I named Malcolm. No regrets. Anyhow, this is my life. I am a single mother of two. I wrote this little personal glimpse into my personal life as an introduction to you, from me, Connie, the author of this blog. This is my account of raising two children by myself while trying to keep my faith in the Almighty and go through all the commons problems all parents face, but single parents, face alone: teachers, daycare, paying the rent, dealing with guilt, kids getting sick, other people judging, work, juggling everything..........if any of this sounds like familiar struggles to you, then, my friend, you are not alone. This is my opening post. I hope to ease your burden (and my own) by sharing my journey of single parenthood with you. Dear God: HELP!!! (I not only believe in miracles; I depend on them!)
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