Langston Hughes said this: "Hold fast to dreams, for when dreams die, life is a broken-winged bird that cannot fly." He said a mouthful with that one!
I remember my mother, my sister and I sitting around at 2:00 am when my mom got off work from the bar. My mom was a bartender. My father was not in the picture then. She would ask the neighbor next door to check up on us while she was working. I was five, my sister was seven. Today people would call that neglect. But, my mom was just doing what she had to do to support us.
But what I remember was her coming home and singing. She would sing 60's rock songs, country songs, folk songs and their was a light in her eyes when she was singing that was never there during the day. There was a sparkle there. A shimmer of hope. My mother, when she was a teenager, used to sing with her father in a band. When she was younger, that's all she used to talk about: singing.
Some time between raising children (mostly by herself), trying to help pay the bills by going to work in a factory, that dream died. It was a slow death, though. It was also torture watching the life slowly get sucked out of her.
What do you do when there's two kids with mouths to feed and rent to pay and you find yourself being the sole breadwinner? Well, whatever you have to. I have done that. I have been people's secretary, waitressed, stood behind a cash register, cleaned houses, changed other people's children's dirty diapers, etc. etc.
And if I have to all of that until the day I die, I will probably end up like my mother.
I have been taking college courses part time for years. I need five more classes(fifteen credits) to get my AA. I have changed my major about five times. One time I was going to be a nurse, last time I was going to be a teacher, one time a legal secretary (which I've done without even having a degree!), one time a bookkeeper. None of that excited me. I would change my major back the very next semester to what I have always loved, what has always been my passion, what I still believe is what God really wanted me to do: what I'm doing right now. On this blank computer screen. Writing.
See, I'm sure some people might stumble upon my web site, especially after my last post, and think: "is this woman advocating single motherhood? Shouldn't she be telling other women not to go down that path because look at how hard it is for her?"
If you're 16 and have a boyfriend who is pressuring you to have sex, yes, definitely, don't go down that path. If you are already on that path, have already made that bed, I want you to know you are not alone. I want you to know your life is not over. I want you to believe you can do this. I want you to believe there is a man somewhere out there with a big enough heart to look at the person you are inside and see past (your past) and accept you, children and all, a man who will treat you with the utmost respect and admiration. Who will do right by you and your children.
I want you to hold fast to your dreams! Don't be a nurse if you really want to be a doctor, don't be a teacher if you really want to own a daycare; it's your life. It's your dream! Dream big!
The deck is stacked against us, in many ways, in a lot of people's opinions. My children are well fed, much loved, they have rules to abide by, they have expectations put on them about doing good in school. I check my ten year old's homework.
However, we live modestly. We live in a two bedroom apartment in a poor neighborhood (not a bad neighborhood -- a poor neighborhood. People around here work hard every day for a little bit of $$). I drive a second hand car, we wear generic clothing but what we do have is an unbreakable bond, laughter, a whole lot of love and tons of fun.
My ten year old sees Mommy going to college, Mommy going to spoken word shows, Mommy writing a blog. I am planting the seed that whatever he wants to be, he can be. Mommy may never be a published author but I am showing him that if you have a dream, it's worth it to try. And I am investing in him. I spend quality time with him: ie; I play checkers with him, I help him with his homework, I go bowling with him, we go to the park. etc etc.
I sometimes wish we had more money so I could get him name brand clothes and buy him big, expensive presents for his birthday. But what we do have is all anyone really needs. There's plenty of love in this home.
I am giving my children wings. To help them fly. While at the same time, holding fast to my own dreams. And that is priceless.
One more thing; check out my friend's blog. It is called "My Will or God's: that is the question." The website address is http://genius150.blogspot.com/. He was the inspiration for this blog (and by reading it here, this is the first he is hearing this. But he started his blog out of his love of God. And that inspired me to start a blog of my own. Out of my love of words. So thank you, Eddie!)
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